Never Again
by Yamiku
Summary: Yami contemplates rejection and agonizes over his situation with Yugi. Y/YY


Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh isn't mine, people! 

Warnings: Yami/Yugi - you know the drill, don't like, don't read.

I wrote this at 11:30 at night. What I was doing up at that hour, I have no clue, but anywhoo, this is my first non-humor fic ever, so does suck a bit. And the plot has been done to death- Yami loves Yugi, Yami has a big mental battle, Yami finds himself alone with Yugi, Yami tells Yugi how he feels, Yugi goes 'Yeah, stupid, I love you too,", INSERT KISS HERE, Yami is happy, Yugi is happy, Yami/Yugi fans are happy, and everyone lives happily ever after and they go off into the beautiful sunset and have seventy-eight children. AND my friend pointed out I didn't actually mention anyone's name... and I checked and said, "Buggeration!", because she was right. But oh well. I'll keep trying. :). 

***

Never Again

As I sit here with you, watching the afternoon waves break against the shore, I can feel the pain building up inside of me. The anguish of my foolishness; the shame; the regret; the fear. Why do I feel like this? Haven't I learnt not to let someone inside; confide in them without thought; admit that I care for them freely?

Never again. I promised that to myself all those years ago, in my devastation, my suffering. 

My rejection tore at me mercilessly; my torture is burnt into my memory, and it will stay with me forever. I want so badly to let it go, to forget the horror I put myself through. I thought it was meant to be. But it was not, and never would be. That was made perfectly clear. My eyes refused to shed tears, my pain killing me slowly from the inside out, making me scream and plead silently for the pain to end.

But it never did. And I saw but one solution to the problem. 

To myself I swore, never again. Never again would I confide in anyone, never again would I dare consider opening up, never again would I let myself love so deeply.

And at that time, I intended to stick by it. I truly did. I thought all the suffering, all the loneliness, the way I shut myself off from emotion, became completely and totally above caring deeply for any living thing would be enough to ensure that I held to my promise.

But you.

The one word, the one entity, the one person who threatens to bring my mentality to pieces, to put me through hell again.

You, the one who possesses a child-like innocence that I never had and never will have. You, so like me, yet so different. The fact that I want you so intensely terrifies me. I want to shut myself away and forget everything.

But I cannot. And it scares me. I cannot forget you. And I hate it. I want this feeling to die.

Then I realize I don't. Not truly. Not with all my soul, my being, my heart.

My heart. I promised never again, and lost my hold on it. Now I have regained it, and I feel cornered and alone, with nowhere to turn to.

I could turn to you. But I'm scared to. I admit that much. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of the pain.

I'm scared of my longing for you. I feel it whenever I look into your clear amethyst eyes, and I'm petrified. I can barely function.

I have forgotten what it feels like to love. I thought I would never feel it again, didn't want to. I wonder if this is it.

What am I doing to myself? I must be out of my mind. I must be crazy. I'm mentally disturbed. I want to put myself in a position to be shattered, and for some reason, I don't think I'll be able to recover from this time at all, even if I do become a soulless, emotionless shell.

Because I think what I feel for you is different. I am constantly on the verge of telling you, but then the ghosts of my anguish, my suffering, my fear, my insecurity come flooding back to haunt me, and I don't have the courage to say what I feel.

I don't even know how I feel. I cannot admit that I love you to myself, how am I to admit it to you?

It it tearing me in two. What if I tell you how I feel, my want, my longing, my secret?

Then I will be rejected again.

Then what, I ask myself. What happens then? What will be the point in life? 

I don't want to tell you. I don't want to be rejected again. I don't want to go through hell for a second time. 

And yet I do. I want so badly for you to know. I have come close to saying it so many times. 

And then I think there is a bigger chance of you saying no than yes.

But. And there is always a 'but'.

I think I see something in your eyes, too. Your concern for me, your way of putting things in perspective for me. Sometimes I honestly believe you feel what I feel.

And if you don't...

That brings me back down to reality.

I swore never again. 

But I think I made a mistake.

What is this? Is this because of the connection you and I share as light and darkness? Just a confusion of feelings? Am I mixing up love and laughter?

Or is it love? Is it what I have been running from?

I thought I was strong. But I am not. I feel the wall between myself and love crumbling. I feel myself trying to salvage the remains of my defense. I feel myself losing grip of my promise, my word.

Never again.

My holds on those two words are slipping away. I am stripped of my defense. The wall is down, broken, a memory.

I know I love you. I know.

I can admit it to myself, and I'm so happy. But I want to cry.

Because now I can't hide it from you anymore. I have to tell you.

And I am terrified still. What happens if you get that confused look in your eyes? What happens if you cannot say you love me back? It will be enough to kill me. I won't be able to face life. I'll take my own, I swear, in my devastation.

But if you do. If what I see in your eyes is not a sad mistake. If it is love, the fear would have been needless. 

Never again.

How will I survive without my defense?

I think I will take the chance.

You speak animatedly, but I don't hear your words. I am preparing myself to seal my fate.

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at the dizzying height, spiraling away into nothingness...

I open my mouth to speak.

...I am teetering...

WHAT AM I DOING?!

Too late. "I love you."

The words rush out. There was no way I could have stopped them. My heart is racing, awaiting the declination, the rejection. Your confused amethyst eyes say more than words do, I believe.

...losing balance...

Never again. We'll see if I was mistaken to break that promise. 

The repetition of those three words from your mouth reaches my ears, and I stare in complete shock at you, a nervous smiled on your lips, eyes shy and with that innocence that makes me love you.

"I love you, too,"

I think I just shut down then. I am struck dumb.

... and I regain my balance, and glance nervously down at the depths of the cliff, the adrenaline rush fading...

Relief floods through me, and I couldn't be happier.

... I turn from the cliff face...

Never again. 

You smile at me, cheeks tinged slightly red, and my final grasps on those two words are destroyed, as I press my lips against yours, and it feels so right, and I know that this was meant to be.

... and walk away, leaving my fear, my pain, my suffering, my insecurity behind...

I pull back from you, and I see love in your eyes.

Love. This is love. And it feels incredible.

"I was so afraid," I say quietly, eyes focusing downward.

You put your head on my shoulder. "I guessed," you reply. You look up and smile at my surprise. "Well, did you really expect me not to notice? I could see something eating away at you for a while, and now I know what it was. But you didn't have to be scared."

I roll my eyes. Scared was a word for it, I suppose...

I kiss you once more, gently, then put and arm around your waist, and we resume conversing, as if nothing has happened.

But it has. 

I love you so much. With all my being. I want this moment to last forever. 

And I've learnt my lesson about saying never.

... I'm free.

Never again.

It was a stupid promise, anyway.

The End!  



End file.
